Graceland

My kid is graduating from Berkeley this year. (Woo-HOO!!!)

My mission is complete. Which means I need a new mission, because getting her to the point she's at has been my reason for getting up and going to my shitty job for a couple of decades. It's getting harder and harder to get up and go.

( So I'm going to try and get my butt back in school. )

So, anybody know of any scholarships? Know anybody who might know?

I haven't really posted in close to 6 months. I've been in a (much needed) introspective and re-evaluative place, parsing out where, at this time of my live, the differences are between who I say I am (to myself and others) and who I actually am. (I've kept for years a book I didn't love because I do love and am haunted by something it says on the cover: "What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?")

I am dealing with rage, mountains and mountains of rage, most of it decades old, most of it related to how a girl child was treated in my family, is treated in the world. ("What a gift your anger is," says my therapist. "Doesn't feel like much of a gift," says I. "Do you want to be what they want you to be?" "Oh, GOD, no." "Then the anger is a gift," says she.)

Through it all, as has been true for years, it's you guys who get me through. When I'm irritated with life, I come here. When I'm dissociative and having trouble staying fully in my body, I come here. When I need to relax, or laugh, or breathe, I come here.

I am surrounded here by people who are smart and articulate, who have intelligent opinions and aren't afraid to use them (even when they're not popular ones), who are gifted storytellers, or gifted with invective, or gifted at being honestly themselves. People who make me think and frown and laugh. People I admire.

I only use reading filters to screen out newsletters; my default view is every personal journal I've friended/subscribed to. If you're on my flist/in my circle, it's because I want to (and do) read what you have to say.

I maybe fangirl you a little, too.

I'm definitely thankful that you're there.

HAPPY U.S. TURKEY DAY, Y'ALL.

OK, the 24 hours I was going to be without internet turned into 10 days. But I'm moved, and I'm up! Whee!!!

Did I miss anything?

::g::

My stepdad used to say "God takes turns kicking everybody. Sometimes, it's just your turn to get kicked."

Those of you who've been on my flist for awhile probably won't be surprised to hear that I have a vested interest in the "warnings" discussion. I'm actually not triggered by most of the major triggers; I love non-con, and dub-con, have only lovely associations with anything BDSM related, and I hang out in Supernatural. so clearly incest in general isn't a problem for me. But there are certain other themes that most people do warn for that I will avoid (I have only been sideswiped three times in ten years of reading).

I will never, ever read a fic from an author I don't know when it's marked "Choose not to warn" unless it has been vetted in some way (I ♥ my del.icio.us network). But please understand that I am very, very grateful for that note.

None of this is why I'm posting.

I'm posting because I am furious at the number of (people I thought were) decent, caring folks who are referring to survivors of abuse and assault as "fragile, delicate, mentally ill." It brings out the Mother Bear in me.

We are some of the strongest people you know.

( Brief, mostly impersonal mentions of mental illness, assault, child abuse, suicidal impulses, drug use. A fair bit of foul language. )

ETA: a title to this puppy. Which is probably the real reason I don't write; I'd have to come up with titles

Happy Birthday and so, so much love to cold_poet.

I hope you get your heart's desire today, sweetheart. You deserve it!

::BIG HUG::

( Someday I will write about these things. They are old, and hard. )

And when I am ready to write about these things, I WILL NOT DO IT HERE. I'll do it at stand_up_eight instead (true for both DW & LJ). I set stand_up_eight  up for just that purpose. It may stand empty for years (it already has on LJ), and that's OK. I'm not ready, yet. But someday.

This journal, though, this one right here, isn't the place for that. It's my safe place. It's my place to be fannish, to play, my window to the world, to check in on y'all, to read amazingly astute commentary from stunningly bright minds. Sometimes it's my place to deal with current stuff in my life, but I generally cut-tag that.

I'm posting this here, now, because my DW stand_up_eight account is getting invite codes to hand out,  and I love handing out invite codes. *g* So I've put up a post there directing people here, but figured an explanation was in order. Plus, it's maybe time to explain to my long-time friends here why I frequently go radio silent, even when I'm clearly still hanging around (reading doesn't trigger the old shit, but interacting sometimes can -- which doesn't mean that I don't want to interact, because I do, I do. Just, sometimes it's harder than others.)

Crossposted to LiveJournal

Happy Birthday to janedavitt!

You spend all year long spreading happiness and good wishes. I hope that this year, every wonderful wish you've ever sent to one of us comes back to you tenfold.

Have a wonderful, wonderful day filled with fun.

*hugs*

I just got back from the SF DW Open Beta meet-up.

You guys! I made it there and I didn't back out at the last minute even though there were strangers there. And I met a table full of fans of all stripes (a couple of whom I've been lurking around/fangirling just a little on), and I had one beer too many and an absolute blast.

I'm going to expand my circle like crazy tomorrow. Right this minute, though, I have to go faceplant, since I've been up for 22 hours (work at 4 a.m., volunteer at 3 p.m., meet-up at 7:30 p.m., and it's after midnight now).

I haven't even seen Show yet! (It's on my hard drive, though.)

Anybody out there in the Bay Area who's not involved in closed beta testing for Dreamwidth, but who's planning on jumping in (or maybe just testing the waters) once open beta starts? (I'm assuming the closed beta testers have all seen the notice on DW, but if not -- Hey, you guys! Hey! *points down*)

damned_colonial is putting together a "We Made it to Open Beta!" party so that DW users old and new can get together and meet each other, and I'd love to see &/or meet y'all.

Details here.

Oh. Oh oh oh. Oh.

You guys!

*flails*

I just. I was spoiled for this one, and I was pretty sure I was going to hate it.

But then I didn't. Except for the parts that I did. Which weren't the parts I was expecting, at all.

( Massive spoilers, ahoy! )

So, hey. Did anybody else want to thunk Dean on the head in that last scene? Dude, duh. I mean, we've know that since Season One. Sheesh.

Crossposting to LJ manually, because I'm not sure if cut-tags are crossposting, and I'm not willing to risk it with spoilers. *g*